i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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