i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
