Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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