FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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