I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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