Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
