i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
