I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
