I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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