Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
