I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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