ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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