hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
