Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I came so hard my ears popped.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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