How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
