I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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