We won't sleep together?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
