great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
