I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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