If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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