So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
