i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
