Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
