Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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