I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
