She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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