I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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