Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All the doctor said was why
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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