I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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