you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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