The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
