I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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