I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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