Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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