is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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