If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
