someone get that fucking seahorse.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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