You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
