Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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