Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
