you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
