i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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