So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
