Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
