I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
