i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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