So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
