I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
