A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
