My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
