just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
